i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
