I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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