So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
