Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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