Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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