guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
