oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
