I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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