Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
