I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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