we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
