I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
