Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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