Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
