I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
