Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
