she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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