someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
