I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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