see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Success! We fucked roommates!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
