her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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