But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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