I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
