I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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