She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
