I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
