half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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