i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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