I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
