My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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