Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
