i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
