I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I am naked and annoyed.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
