I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
