I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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