my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
