I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
