she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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