Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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