I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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