Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
