Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
