Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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