Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
