Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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