Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
