My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
