The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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