I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
