I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
