Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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